Child-Centered Divorce: Learning from the Mistakes of Others

Child-Centered Divorce: Learning from the Mistakes of Others

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Over the years there have been endless studies on the effects of divorce on parents and children. Some of the results are controversial. Others seem to be univrsally accepted as relevant and real. Here are a few of my perceptions from studies on children who experience divorce that I believe all of us, as parents, should take to heart.

Not surprisingly, the first two years of divorce are the most diffuclt. In some cases it takes an average of three to five years to really “work through” and resolve many of the issues and emotions that come to the surface. For some, the effects of divorce last many additonal years — or even a lifetime — if not dealt with appropratiely. Taking steps toward a child-centered divorce can dramatically impact the negative effects of divorce on all members of the family. It will help everyone to move through this time rather than merely letting “time heal all wounds.”

Preschoolers tend to be more frightened and anxious, but seem to adjust better than older children in the long run. Their biggest fear is of abandonment. Stressing security and a continuation of family routines is very helpful for them. Older children understand more, but do not have adequate coping skills and therefore seem to have more long-term problems. This is often becasue they remember life before the divorce and so experience a greater change of life patterns and dwell more on comparisons between the past and present. Stressing the love both parents have for the child — and that that love will continue forever is vitally important whenever possible.

Children who may have witnessd a troubled marriage and family life may greatly benefit from observing their parents now working out a reasonable and respectful post-divorce arrangement. This positive and mature behavior will affect a child’s adjustment more than any other factor.

It is never too late to create a child-centered divorce, even if you started on the wrong track. Every step you take toward focusing on your children’s emotional, psychological and physical needs as they move through the months and years post-divorce, will be a step toward modeling for them how loving, compassionate, and caring parents respond to their children’s needs. I encourage you to make your relationship with your children’s other parent as respectful and considerate as you can — for the sake of your children.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a “child-centered divorce.” For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children — with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

© Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.

Divorce Doesn’t Scar Children – Selfish Parents Do!

Divorce Doesn’t Scar Children – Selfish Parents Do!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Divorce is a highly emotional topic. When children are involved the consequences are far more dramatic – and, not surprisingly, so are our opinions. I know there are many people who sincerely believe that no divorce is a good divorce. That children are always and inevitably harmed by the physical and emotional separation of their parents. And that parents should – for the sake of the kids – just stick it out and not rock the boat with divorce or separation until the children are grown.

This is a particularly prevalent view for many who are grown children of divorce. These adults have experienced the dramatic life changes that come with divorce and feel permanently scarred as a result.

This response is certainly understandable. But it’s not the final word on this subject. I have another perspective based on the experience of being raised in a family that chose to stay together “for the sake of the kids.” My parents should have divorced early in their marriage. They were both miserable together, had little respect for each other, and raised two children in a home fraught with anger, tension, frequent loud arguments and discord.

I remember my mother asking me one day when I was in early adolescence whether she should divorce Dad. “No,” I cried. I wanted a Mom and a Dad like the other kids. My childhood was miserable and filled with insecurity.  Immersed in that insecurity I feared what life would be like if my parents were divorced. Mom didn’t have the courage to do it anyway (those were vastly different times, especially for women) and she continued in her unhappy marriage for decades more.

Looking back, I feel that was an unfortunate mistake. Neither of my parents were bad people. They were both just totally mismatched. Their communication skills were miserably lacking and they were wrapped up in winning every battle at all costs. The cost, of course, was the well-being of their family, especially of their children. I believe that each of them would have been happier and more fulfilled had they parted ways and remained single or chosen another mate.

Based on my own personal experience, I’ve come to firmly believe that it’s not divorce that scars our children. It’s wounded parents who do not care, understand or see that their behavior is hurting their children. It’s vindictive parents who put down the other spouse in front of their kids. It’s parents who decide they should have sole custody or primary influence over the children with little regard as to the kid’s relationship with the other parent. It’s parents who confide their adult dramas to innocent children who just want to love Mommy and Daddy. It’s parents who put financial gain and material decisions over the emotional well-being of their children.

In essence, it’s selfish parents who put their own needs ahead of those of their totally dependent children when making life-altering parental decisions. When these parents get a divorce, the consequences are not only sad. Too often they end up scarring innocent psyches.  They forget — or are ignorant about — how their decisions will affect their children in the months, years and, yes, decades ahead. It is not divorce per se, but the divorce of two parents so enraged by each other that they make decisions based on blind hatred rather than conscious, educated wisdom.

There is much more that can be said on this subject but space prompts me to stop for now.  I value your feedback on this controversial topic and encourage thoughtful dialogue within these pages. Please send your comments along to me for more in-depth discussion.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a “child-centered divorce.” For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children — with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

© Rosalind Sedacca 2007 All rights reserved.