5 Reasons Why A Rebound Relationship May Be Just What You Need

5 Reasons Why A Rebound Relationship May Be Just What You Need

Guest Post by Terry Gaspard

As a newly divorced woman with two school age children, I plunged into a rebound relationship with someone who provided solace, companionship, and emotional and sexual intimacy. Since neither one of us had healed sufficiently from our recent divorces, the relationship ended after six months.

While we weren’t ready for a commitment, my ex-boyfriend helped me overcome my challenging divorce and gave me self-confidence. This relationship helped me to get over my anger at my ex-spouse and move on with my life. It was a good opportunity for me to test out dating someone very different from my ex and allowed me to have fun and feel passion.

Truth be told, most experts believe that if you are newly divorced, you probably aren’t ready to leap headlong into a romantic relationship. The chance of a rebound relationship having long-term potential is slim because it will take time for you to heal from your breakup so that you don’t bring baggage into your new relationship.

However, even though here are many reasons why rebound relationships rarely last, they can serve a purpose. There are certain situations when dating soon after divorce can be beneficial.

In my case, my rebound relationship was a reminder that I was desirable and capable of having passionate feelings that had been dormant for many years. What I learned was that it was okay to let go of my past; and give myself the pleasure and joy of new love.

On the down side, while most rebound relationships don’t do any permanent harm, they can postpone the recovery process. In other words, escaping by means of a rebound relationship can prevent you from gaining self-awareness about the reasons your marriage ended and the lessons you need to learn from it.

Consequently, getting involved in a rebound relationship can be a risky proposition. If you’re feeling lonely after divorce, it’s easy to fall for someone before you’re truly ready to begin dating again. It makes sense to explore the reasons why rebound relationships should be avoided. On the other hand, dating several different people casually can give you the opportunity to figure out what type of partner you need to thrive.

Trying out new relationships can be less risky if both partners are honest with each other about their goals; and don’t see the partnership as long-term. If you decide to start dating within the first year after your divorce, do your best to have an open conversation with your new partner about your objectives and attempt to have realistic expectations of yourself and others. 

5 reasons why a rebound relationship may be right for you:

  1. It can help you ease the transition from married to single life. But it’s only true if both parties go into the relationship with realistic expectations – knowing the boundaries and the other person’s intentions.
  2. It can provide solace, companionship, and intimacy. Newly separated and divorced people are usually feeling pretty lonely so you’re probably not ready to engage in a long-term relationship. But a fling may be just what you need to help you recover.
  3. It can help you select a partner who is a good match for you. Many people end up picking a partner who has similar characteristics to their ex-spouse. Consequently, you may need to date several people before you find someone who is a good match for you. You can also figure out what you don’t want.
  4. It can give you self-confidence and help you feel more desirable. A breakup can temporarily damage yourself-esteemand it’s important to build your confidence before you enter a committed relationship again.
  5. Sometimes a rebound relationship works out! In certain cases, especially if you are over 30 and know what you want, a rebound relationship may be fertile ground for a successful long-term relationship.

Some experts would argue that a rebound relationship is a good way to give the newly divorced person a boost of endorphins (to elevate their mood) and to increase their self-esteem. Further, a new relationship can help someone cope with a variety of emotions including confusion, anxiety, anger, regret, betrayal, and sadness.

If you go into a rebound relationship with your eyes wide open, you stand a better chance of recovering more quickly if it ends badly. You’re also less likely to repeat any dating disasters. Being cautious as you proceed into the dating world post-divorce will serve you well in the long-run!

Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

 

 

Teens Taking Sides A Painful Consequence of Divorce

Teens Taking Sides A Painful Consequence of Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

I received the following question which poses many challenges related to divorce and parenting. While there is never a one-size-fits-all answer to relationship questions, I’m sharing my response with you as a perspective worth considering. This may be useful to initiate conversations with your former spouse and children or for discussion with a therapist or divorce coach if you are seeing one.

“I am divorced for a short while, after being separated for several years. My 16-year-old daughter is awful to me and she yells “I hate you” and even curses at me even in public. I am sure she blames me for leaving her mom, but my other two children (boys, one older and one younger) seem to be dealing with the divorce fine. My problem is that I have no control over discipline. I would never speak to anyone the way she speaks to me, let alone a parent. But since she doesn’t live with me, her mother is the disciplinarian and always with my daughter. And I don’t believe that my daughter speaks to her mother or anyone else the way she talks to me. I love my daughter, but I can’t let anyone, especially not my own child, speak to me in such a terrible way. When I can pick the kids up, she never wants to come, but the boys and I have a good time together. I don’t know what to do.”

Rosalind’s Answer:

There’s no simple answer to your question. Naturally, it is complex and multi-dimensional, as are most family issues. Let me share some thoughts with you to give you one perspective:

* Unfortunately it is not uncommon for 16-year old daughters, for a variety of reason, to yell “I hate you!” at their parents. While it is hurtful to hear this, keep in mind that this level of over-dramatizing life is part of the teenage experience. Following a recent divorce, I wouldn’t suggest focusing on the discipline aspect of the comment at this point. Let go of your self-righteousness and put your attention instead on trying to see the world from your daughter’s viewpoint.

* Sadly there is a good chance your daughter is being influenced by her mother to not respect, trust or love you. This can be a result of your ex trying to win her over to Mom’s side, using your daughter as a confidant and trying to develop more of a friend rather than a parenting relationship with your daughter.

*All of these behaviors create distance and distrust for you which is far more serious than your daughter’s comments. This is a form of parental alienation which is hard to counter. However, that is the reality of the challenge you are facing.

* The more you understand what your daughter is experiencing, the more compassion you will have for her and the easier it will be for you to step up to being the father she needs — even if she doesn’t realize it right now. You are still a role model to her and she needs to feel your unconditional love. She is testing you and may genuinely feel you have hurt her mother. She may also be torn with guilt regarding supporting her mother since she is living with her.

*How you handle this now will affect your long-term relationship with her. So don’t stand on your soap-box. Show her your empathy, compassion and the ability to turn the other cheek. That’s the Dad she needs to see — and the one she will gravitate towards over time if you are sincere and can be patient.

*It would be helpful for you to seek out a support system — a therapist, divorce group or coach — because what I am suggesting to you is not easy and will take your stepping up and taking the “high road” on an issue that is not fair to you. But it is your reality and the choices you make today will affect your relationship with your daughter for decades to come.

*So think before you act. Stay connected to your deep love for your daughter. And remember, she didn’t create this tremendous life-altering experience. You and your former spouse did. The kids are always innocent. A 16-year old is not emotionally prepared for handling this so give her some flack and be the mature adult.

*It would also be wise to talk to your ex on the side and discuss your feelings as well as the consequences for your daughter to be alienated from you. You can suggest that Mom can also take the high road and do what’s best for her daughter. But you can’t count on it! Don’t wait for her to do the right thing. Your future relationship with your daughter is up to you. Don’t create further alienation. Be there for her, be patient and loving. Hopefully she will come to thank you down the line!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids  about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, her blog, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca   All rights reserved.