4 Key Points For Transforming Your Life After Divorce & Despite Covid – 19

4 Key Points For Transforming Your Life After Divorce & Despite Covid-19

Divorce catches kids in the middle

Divorce catches kids in the middle

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

During these difficult times life is even more challenging for parents dealing with divorce or co-parenting after divorce. Circumstances beyond our control are impacting decisions we make to protect ourselves and our children. New governmental restrictions are impacting and complicating routines and structure. Parents are faced with a new normal that changes from week to week.

Be patient with yourself and your former partner. Try to be there for one another. This is new territory for every one of us. Despite divorce, think like a team on behalf of your family and make decisions that support your physical, mental and emotional needs. Be more tolerant, forgiving and flexible. Your sanity and the wellbeing of your children is at stake!

How Best to Survive And Thrive!

Divorce is always a life-altering experience. But it doesn’t have to be all negative. For many it’s a time of personal self-discovery. For others, a self-made prison of depression and resentment.

What makes the difference is our acceptance of what is and our ability to use the divorce as a stepping stone to a new and better life. The bottom line: it’s all up to us. We can generate an attitude of positive expectation or we can choose instead a life filled with the pain of self-pity and despair.

The real challenge: changing our attitude or perspective on life is not a simple task. But if you take consistent steps in that direction, you’ll create the foundation for a happier future — both for yourself and the children you love.

Start by focusing your attention on these 4 key points to transforming your life toward a brighter future. You’ll never regret it.

  1. Boost your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Don’t let divorce take its toll on your self-esteem, especially if you didn’t choose the breakup of your marriage. Feeling rejected, abused or like a helpless victim undermines how you view yourself and your value to others. A fear-based mindset can keep you from moving on after divorce to a new and more rewarding reality.

No one can take your pride and confidence from you. You must decide for yourself that you’re ready to create a better life by seeking our and embracing the possibilities ahead. Choose to make pro-active decisions, look for new supportive friends, engage your energy in fulfilling activities. Are there parts of yourself that were dormant during your marriage? Now’s the time to tap into those attributes or interests and let them soar. Your children will benefit from watching you re-discover who you are. Better still, they’ll see you as a positive role model as you tackle life challenges.

Need help with feeling better about yourself? Find a coach, divorce support group, online course or program that focuses on mental health support.

  1. Use your divorce as a gift to yourself. 

The greatest lesson in self-awareness comes from finding the answers to key life questions: Ask yourself some important questions: What went wrong in your former relationship – and why? What part did I play in the break-up of my marriage? If I had responded earlier to red flag warnings might I have changed the outcome, reduced the pain, put us back on track or better protected

me and the kids? These are hard questions to answer. It can be helpful to find a therapist, coach or support group to guide you in finding meaningful insights. Be careful that you don’t get stuck on your regrets. This is your gift. Find the lessons you can learn now. They will become the catalyst to help you move ahead with more confidence in creating that happier future.

  1. Experience the blessings that come with forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not for or about the other person. It releases you from the pain of staying bound up in the past. Blaming yourself or your former spouse does nothing toward improving your life. Instead, it keeps you from really enjoying today – as well as tomorrow. Understanding the gift of forgiveness is a huge step forward. It may require reaching out for professional help in letting go, moving on and understanding the incredible value of forgiveness as a positive tool for self-empowerment. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the pain you experienced in the past. It means you’re no longer letting it hurt you any more! So forgiving your former spouse is about breaking the emotional cords that have held you hostage to old hurts and memories. It frees you to make healthy new connections — and that’s the path to creating brighter tomorrows!

  1. Revise your expectations about healthy relationships.

What have you learned about relationship success? Did you originally choose the right marriage partner? Or had you accepted or settled for less than you imagined? Did you have unrealistic expectations about the challenges involved in a committed relationship? Do you now have different requirements for a love partner in terms of interests, values or goals?

Successful relationships require real skills in communicating, resolving conflict, and coping with a multitude of other issues. It’s even more complicated when children are involved. Before stepping out into the singles-dating arena, do your homework. Learn about who you really are, what you can give and what you need in return to create a fulfilling intimate relationship that works. Give yourself the time. Get the professional support you may need. Do it right — for you and your children! Your future lies ahead. Make it one you desire – and deserve!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network as well as a Dating After Divorce Mentor. For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, plus and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Click the COACHING button to learn more about Rosalind’s co-parenting courses and Coaching services. For Dating and Relationship Success, visit:www.womendatingafter40.com, www.womendatingrescue.com or www.mensdatingformula.com.

 

Parent/Child Communication – Even More Crucial After Divorce!

Parent/Child Communication – Even More Crucial After Divorce!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

It’s no secret that one of the biggest challenges a parent faces after divorce is staying in good communication with your children. Obviously all parents struggle with communication issues as their children grow, but children who have had their lives dramatically altered by separation or divorce need even more attention – and diligent observation by their parents.

Children tend not to tell you when they are angry, resentful, confused, hurt or depressed. Instead they reflect their problems through their behavior – acting out or perhaps turning inward in ways that you have not experienced prior to the divorce.

Here are some tips that most all professionals agree about as ways to encourage positive and productive communication between you and your children. Many of these are obvious or innate behaviors. However, others can easily be forgotten amid the challenges you are juggling in your own life on a daily basis.

Take time to see the world through your children’s eyes and you will be better able to meet their needs, understand their confusion or aggression and find appropriate ways to resolve tension and heal hurts through your conversation and caring behaviors.

·     Be available and attentive when your child comes to you to talk or ask questions. That means turning off the TV, putting down the tablet, not answering the phone and giving them eye-contact and a welcoming smile. Sometimes attempting to talk to you is the result of considerable thought and risk on their part. Encourage these conversations when they happen.

·     It is helpful to sit, kneel or in other ways get down closer to your child’s level when you talk. Towering over them is a form of intimidation that does not translate into safety or trust.

·     Keep your conversations private unless they want to include others. Let them know they are safe in confiding to you and that you are interested and care about matters that concern them.

·     Don’t dismiss a subject lightly if it is one bothering your child. Laughing, joking or teasing will create alienation that ultimately will discourage your child to share what is bothering them with you. This is a dangerous road to travel, especially as your children develop into their teen years.

·     Equally important is to never embarrass your children or put them on the spot in front of others. This will immediately close the door to honest, trustworthy communication.

·     Avoid talking to your child when you are angry or upset with them or others. Promise to talk in a half-hour or hour at a specific place after you’ve had a chance to settle down and regain your objectivity.

·      Be an active listener. Don’t interrupt while your child is talking. Listen carefully and then paraphrase back what you heard them say. Ask if you’re right in your interpretation. They’ll tell you. This give and take will   help you more precisely understand what is really at issue.

·     Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happenedquestions, which keep the dialogue open.

·     Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!

·     Remember that lecturing, preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.

·     Catch your judgments and put-downs, even when confronted with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk tothem – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.

·     Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.

·     Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.

Children who feel safe talking to their parents grow up as better communicators overall. They will be more likely to have healthy communication in their own adult relationships – with their spouses and children.

Families that keep feelings repressed, that don’t discuss issues that come up, send the message that it’s not all right to talk about things that bother us. The consequences of this can be seen in our nightly news headlines every day.

You can open the doors to caring communication in your home by beginning today. Your children may be a little resistant at first as they test the waters, but they will surely appreciate this opportunity once they know you are sincere. Start the process yourself – and see how valuable it is to “hear” what your children have to say!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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