5 Ways to Keep Divorce From Scarring Your Kids!

December 13, 2019 by Chris Wojtowicz

5 Ways To Keep Divorce From Scarring Your Kids!

November 27, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce need not wound and scar your children if you put their emotional and psychological needs first when making crucial decisions. Some parents don’t understand that every decision they make regarding their divorce will affect the wellbeing of their children in countless ways. The emotional scars are not only harder to see, they’re also much harder to erase.

Here are five keys to helping your children move through and thrive after divorce.

Remind them this is not their fault.

Children tend to blame themselves for divorce, no matter how bad their parents’ relationship has been. The younger the child, the more likely this is so. But even teens feel guilt related to the divorce. Sit down together and talk to your children, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. You can say something like: “As your parents we’re having problems getting along and agreeing about many things which has created sadness and conflict. Even when some of the disagreements are about you, it does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love. So while we may disagree about certain important issues – we both agree about our love for you. You are not in any way at fault.”

Focus on change — not on blame.

Divorce is all about change within the family structure. Often those changes can be beneficial and create a more peaceful living environment for your children. Parents must not point the finger and blame one another for the divorce to the children, as tempting as that may be. Don’t burden them with adult information and judgments. Focus instead on the fact that change is an inevitable part of life and not necessarily bad. Let your children see that everything in life keeps changing. “You grow bigger every year. Seasons change, clothing styles change, your school classes change. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like when you get a new teacher or try a new sport. In time you may come to like these new changes. They can lead to more peace in our lives.”

Respect your child’s other parent.

When you belittle, put down or in any way disrespect your ex – regardless how justified it may feel – it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways. Children innately love both their parents and feel a connection to them. When you insult their other parent it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. Instead, remind them that you both will always be their parents and no one will replace you either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.” Then strive to do the right thing on their behalf.

Let your children continue to be children.

While it may sometimes be tempting, never confide adult content to your children. Even teens are not psychologically prepared to handle the emotional complexity of a divorce. Save venting for trusted friends, a divorce coach, counselor or support group. Also never ask your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. This creates guilt and shame for your kids and robs them of their childhood innocence. It also pressures them in many ways – none of which are positive. It is not their place to assume adult responsibilities or help you to find evidence against your ex.

Make decisions through the eyes of your child.

Before making any decisions regarding divorce issues, think about the consequences for your children. Ask yourself, what will they say to me about this when they are grown adults? Will they thank me for the way I handled the divorce – or be angry and resentful about my attitude and behavior? The choices you make will affect your children for years and decades to come. For their sake, take the high road and be a role model they will want to emulate.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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How Divorce Affects Children & Teens: Parents Need Realistic Expectations!

September 3, 2017 by Chris Wojtowicz

How Divorce Affects Children & Teens: Parents Need Realistic Expectations!

August 26, 2017 Leave a CommentWritten by Rosalind Sedacca

Children are affected by divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Parenting is always complex. Parenting following a divorce can add many other layers of distraction and confusion to the mix. That makes it even more important for parents to be aware of how their children are responding to the divorce.

Misunderstanding Your Child’s Intentions

One common error parents make is misunderstanding the stage of development their children are at which can lead to unrealistic expectations. Too often parents will assume that their child has a realistic handle on their emotions. They also believe the child has a deeper understanding of human nature than is really possible at their age. So when their child acts out, expresses anger or otherwise misbehaves, many parents misconstrue their intentions.

Parents don’t fully grasp the fear and insecurity that divorce brings up in children. They mistakenly see these young beings as little adults who bring adult reasoning and comprehension to life experiences.

With that mindset, it’s easy to get disappointed when your child’s behavior doesn’t live up to your expectations. Or when they lash out at you for turning their lives upside down.

When divorce enters the family dynamic we often forget that our children are processing their feelings with limited skills and emotional awareness. We all know that divorce can become an enormous challenge for adults. Imagine the ramifications on youngsters – as well as for teens!

Give Your Kids a Break

How unfair (and unrealistic) is it to expect your children to fully understand what Mom and Dad are going through — and then respond with compassion?

Emotional maturity doesn’t fully develop until well into our twenties. Yet divorced parents frequently put the burden on their children to be empathic, understanding and disciplined in their behavior when parents themselves struggle with accessing that level of maturity.

Misunderstanding Our Teens

Parents are often especially misguided in their expectation about teens. By nature, teenagers are very self-absorbed. They don’t yet have the full capacity to put others’ needs ahead of their own. In addition, most teens are not very future focused … nor are they motivated by lectures about consequences.

Part of the parenting process is to role model positive behavior and to demonstrate the advantages of setting goals, planning ahead for the future, etc. Unrealistic parental expectations can lead to needless conflict with our teens. Losing the support from their parents can easily result in a sense of confusion, insecurity, guilt or shame within their fragile psyches.

Why get angry at your teen for not displaying adult maturity at a time when your own maturity may certainly be at question?

By understanding your children’s stages of emotional development as they grow, you are less likely to make the common mistakes parents make when coping with divorce:

Confiding adult information your kids can’t psychologically handle
Expecting kids to play the role of your mediator, therapist, or parent
Asking your child to take sides and reject their other parent
Turning your kids into your personal messenger or spy

As a parent, make sure you have reasonable expectations for your children. Don’t be disappointed when your child behaves as the child they still are!

Co-Parenting Guidebook Supports Parents

For information about how divorce affects children at different ages, how to skillfully communicate with your former spouse after divorce, successful co-parenting strategies and more – check out my digital guidebook: Parenting Beyond Divorce – Making Life Better For Your & Your Children. Learn more at: www.childcentereddivorce.com/parenting-divorce/

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is also author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, Coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.