Co-Parenting Success Is Based On A Healthy Mind-Set After Divorce

January 29, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Getting divorced and preparing for the responsibilities of co-parenting ahead? This facet of life after divorce can be enormously complex and challenging for several good reasons:

Both parents are bringing the raw emotions resulting from the divorce into a new stage in their lives.
Mom and Dad are also bringing previous baggage from the marriage – ongoing conflicts, serious disputes, differing styles of communication, unresolved issues and continual frustrations — into the mix as they negotiate a co-parenting plan.
Both parents are vying for the respect and love of the children – and are easily tempted to slant their parenting decisions in the direction that wins them popularity with the kids.
Anger and resentment resulting from the divorce settlement can impact and influence levels of cooperation in the years to come.
Parents may disagree about major issues ahead that weren’t part of the parenting dynamic in the past including: visits and sleepovers with friends, scheduling after-school activities, handling curfews, new behavior problems, consequences for smoking, drinking and drug use, dating parameters, using the car and scheduling vacation time.
Parents may not share values and visions for the children as they grow and may also not agree on the plan of action required to honor those values.

When these differing dynamics appear parents might find themselves struggling to find ways of coping. So keep this in mind: Agreement on how to co-parent effectively in the present and the future is not a one-time discussion. It takes on-going communication, both verbal and written as well as regular meetings via phone, email, online scheduling tools or in person. And it takes a commitment to make co-parenting work – because you both want and need it to!

The consequences, when it doesn’t work, can be considerable. Your children are very likely to exploit any lack of parental agreement or unity, pitting Mom and Dad against one another while they eagerly take advantage of the situation. This is a danger sign that can result in significant family turmoil fueled by behavior problems that neither parent can handle. See the headlines across all forms of media as examples of co-parenting done wrong.

When Mom and Dad are on the same page, so to speak, they can parent as a team regardless of how far apart they live. These parents agree about behavioral rules, misbehavior consequences, routine schedules and shared intentions regarding their children. They discuss topics of disagreement and find solutions they can both live with – or agree to disagree and not make those differences an area of contention.

If curfew in Mom’s house is 9:00 pm and it’s 10:00 pm in Dad’s house, that can still work if both parents respect the differences and let the children know it’s all okay. When differing curfews becomes an issue of major contention, that’s when the kids can get hurt – caught between battling parental egos. Children are confused and often feel guilty in battling parent situations, which rarely lead to any good within the family structure.

Keep in mind that when you’re more open and receptive to your co-parent, you are more likely to get what you really want in the end. Good listening skills, flexibility and the commitment to do what’s best on behalf of your children are part of a smart co-parenting mindset. Remember too that co-parenting will be a life-long process for the both of you. Why not do it in a way that will garner your children’s respect and appreciation? They will thank you when they are grown adults.

If you need help with one challenge or any array of co-parenting issues, engage my help through personal coaching or check out the many online coaching tools and programs I offer. They will all support you in making better decisions on behalf of your children and your long-term co-parenting success.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love!To get her free ebook, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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Parents: Don’t Overlook Your Child’s Reaction To Your Divorce!

Be aware of the emotional toll of divorce on children!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC:

Parenting is always complex. Parenting following a divorce can add many other layers of distraction and confusion to the mix. That makes it even more important for parents to be aware of how their children are responding to the divorce.

Misunderstanding your child’s stage of development

One common error parents make is misunderstanding their child’s stage of development. That can lead to irrational and unrealistic expectations. Too often parents will assume that their child has a better handle on their emotions and a deeper understanding of human nature than is really possible at their age. So when their child acts out or otherwise misbehaves, it’s easy to misinterpret their intentions.

Parents mistakenly see children, even teens, as little adults who bring adult reasoning and comprehension to daily circumstances. With that mindset, it’s easy to get disappointed when your child’s behavior doesn’t live up to our expectations.

Recognize their limited emotional awareness

When divorce enters the family dynamic we often forget that our children are processing their feelings with limited skills and emotional awareness. We all know the complexities of divorce can become an enormous challenge for adults. Imagine the ramifications on youngsters or even teens!

Give your kids a break. How unfair (and unrealistic) is it to expect your children to fully understand what Mom and Dad are going through? Equally absurd is expecting children to respond with compassion. Emotional maturity doesn’t fully develop until humans are well into our twenties. Yet divorced parents frequently put the burden on their children to be empathic, understanding and disciplined in their behavior. This is especially surprising when parents struggle to access those mature attributes themselves.

Teens need your additional attention

Parents are often especially misguided in their expectations about teens. By nature, teenagers are very self-absorbed. They don’t yet have the full capacity to put others’ needs ahead of their own. In addition, most teens are not very future focused. Nor are they motivated by fear of consequences. Part of the parenting process is to role model positive behavior. It’s also important to demonstrate the advantages of setting goals, planning ahead for the future, etc. But that doesn’t mean your teen will embrace these lessons.

Unrealistic parental expectations lead to needless conflicts with our teens. Battles can easily result in a sense of confusion, insecurity, guilt or shame within their fragile psyches. Why get angry at your teen for not displaying adult maturity at a time when your own maturity may certainly be in question?

By understanding your children’s stages of emotional development as they grow, you are less likely to make mistakes you’ll regret. Among the biggest mistakes is confiding information they can’t psychologically handle. Another mistake is asking them to play the role of mediator, therapist, or personal spy. You’ll be more likely to have a better relationship with them and be less disappointed when you allow your child to behave as the child they still are!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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