10 Signs it Might Be Time to Divorce

07/15/2015 09:16 am ET | Updated Jul 15, 2015

Cheryl and Joe Dillon Co-founders of Equitable Mediation Services. Divorce can be less expensive, less time-consuming and less stressful for you and your children when you choose to mediate.

Knowing when to divorce can be difficult, and it’s a decision that shouldn’t be taken lightly. So how do you know if you should proceed? How can you be sure that this time is really it? That this time there’s no turning back?

While there’s no magic answer for when to get a divorce, here are 10 signs it might be time to take that next step:

1.) You’re convinced that you’d be better off alone.

It’s perfectly normal as we grow older to pine for the careless days of youth gone by. When we were living in that 4th floor walkup in Chicago, eating Ramen noodles by ourselves without a care in the world.

But if you’re married and are convinced that being on your own again would be better than staying in an unhappy marriage, it might be time to get a divorce.

2.) Your needs are no longer being met.

Marriage is a partnership, and each spouse should be doing their part to fulfill the needs of the other — physically, emotionally and spiritually. When this is no longer happening or it’s become one-sided, it might be time to call it quits.

3.) You’re only staying together for the kids.

“Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage
and teaching your children the wrong things about love.” – Jennifer Weiner

Children are very smart. They know more than you think they do, and they can sense animosity a mile away. More importantly, children grow up to emulate the relationships they saw when they were younger. Do you really want them to grow up thinking the type of relationship you currently have with your spouse is normal or healthy?

If you don’t, it may be time to end the marriage.

4.) You’ve tried counseling, but you still can’t seem to come together.

Often the realization of when to divorce comes after admitting that sometimes things just don’t work out no matter how hard you try. Counseling requires a commitment by both spouses to work on, improve and (gasp!) change their behaviors for the greater good of the marriage.

If you are working to get the marriage back on track, but your spouse isn’t, then it might be time to move on without them.

5.) You’re being abused.

Whether it’s emotional or physical, abuse is something no one should have to put up with.

If you believe you are a victim of abuse, you may consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

6.) You think of your marriage as “the lesser of two evils.”

If you’re only staying with your husband or wife because you think it’s easier than having to start over and find someone new, chances are your relationship is in serious trouble.

7.) You no longer trust or respect your spouse.

A strong marriage is based on trust, understanding and mutual respect.

If you’ve lost all respect or no longer trust your spouse, it may be a sign that it’s time to move on.

8.) You think it’s “cheaper to keep her (or him)”

There’s no doubt that two households are more expensive to run than one. And divorce only creates expense, not income.

But if the only reason you’re still together is financial, it may be time to draw up a budget, get your finances in order and make it on your own.

9.) You’re worried about what your friends or family will think.

For some, divorce can be an embarrassment or a failure. But if you believe nothing can be done to save your marriage and the only thing preventing you from moving forward with a divorce is worrying about what your friends or family will think, it might be time to follow your own intuition.

You deserve to be happy. And if the people you’re worried about truly care for you as they should, they’ll support your decision, regardless of their own personal opinions on divorce.

10.) You’re being unfaithful to your spouse.

Many people think of an affair as a physical relationship. But you’re kidding yourself if you think emotionally charged Facebook chats or texting exchanges with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends are harmless. You’ve just exchanged one kind of an affair for another.

If you’re cheating on your spouse physically or emotionally, it might be time to give your spouse the respect they deserve and get a divorce so you both can find happiness.

At the end of the day, only you can determine if you should get a divorce. It’s a personal decision that should be made with careful thought and consideration.

But if one or more of the items on this list is true for you, and you think it’s time to take the next step, you owe it to yourself to learn the best way to tell your spouse you want a divorce so you can keep things as peaceful as possible and do what’s best for you, your spouse and your children.

Joe and Cheryl Dillon are co-founders of Equitable Mediation Services, a divorce mediation firm that specializes in helping couples divorce peacefully, cost-effectively and fairly – without lawyers.

Divorce Doesn’t Scar Children – Selfish Parents Do!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Divorce is a highly emotional topic. When children are involved the consequences are far more dramatic – and, not surprisingly, so are our opinions. I know there are many people who sincerely believe that no divorce is a good divorce. That children are always and inevitably harmed by the physical and emotional separation of their parents. And that parents should – for the sake of the kids – just stick it out and not rock the boat with divorce or separation until the children are grown.

This is a particularly prevalent view for many who are grown children of divorce. These adults have experienced the dramatic life changes that come with divorce and feel permanently scarred as a result.

This response is certainly understandable. But it’s not the final word on this subject. I have another perspective based on the experience of being raised in a family that chose to stay together “for the sake of the kids.” My parents should have divorced early in their marriage. They were both miserable together, had little respect for each other, and raised two children in a home fraught with anger, tension, frequent loud arguments and discord.

I remember my mother asking me one day when I was in early adolescence whether she should divorce Dad. “No,” I cried. I wanted a Mom and a Dad like the other kids. My childhood was miserable and filled with insecurity. Immersed in that insecurity I feared what life would be like if my parents were divorced. Mom didn’t have the courage to do it anyway (those were vastly different times, especially for women) and she continued in her unhappy marriage for decades more.

Looking back, I feel that was an unfortunate mistake. Neither of my parents were bad people. They were both just totally mismatched. Their communication skills were miserably lacking and they were wrapped up in winning every battle at all costs. The cost, of course, was the well-being of their family, especially of their children. I believe that each of them would have been happier and more fulfilled had they parted ways and remained single or chosen another mate.

Based on my own personal experience, I’ve come to firmly believe that it’s not divorce that scars our children. It’s wounded parents who do not care, understand or see that their behavior is hurting their children. It’s vindictive parents who put down the other spouse in front of their kids. It’s parents who decide they should have sole custody or primary influence over the children with little regard as to the kid’s relationship with the other parent. It’s parents who confide their adult dramas to innocent children who just want to love Mommy and Daddy. It’s parents who put financial gain and material decisions over the emotional well-being of their children.

In essence, it’s selfish parents who put their own needs ahead of those of their totally dependent children when making life-altering parental decisions. When these parents get a divorce, the consequences are not only sad. Too often they end up scarring innocent psyches. They forget — or are ignorant about — how their decisions will affect their children in the months, years and, yes, decades ahead. It is not divorce per se, but the divorce of two parents so enraged by each other that they make decisions based on blind hatred rather than conscious, educated wisdom.

There is much more that can be said on this subject but space prompts me to stop for now. I value your feedback on this controversial topic and encourage thoughtful dialogue within these pages. Please send your comments along to me for more in-depth discussion.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a “child-centered divorce.” For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children — with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com