How To Handle An Uncooperative Ex During Divorce Co-Parenting

How To Handle An Uncooperative Ex During Divorce Co-Parenting

Children affected by Divorce

Children affected by Divorce

Co-parenting after divorce is never easy. This is especially true when you have a contentious relationship or if your ex-partner is not cooperative. You will be subject to a tremendous amount of stress about your ex-spouse’s parenting skills, as well as the financial needs of your child. Dealing with divorce is hard as it is; throwing the challenges of co-parenting into the mix will make it extra hard.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting is a unique arrangement between two ex-spouses who have a child together. When you go through a divorce, one is left to gain custody of the child. Regardless of who has custody of the child, both parties are responsible for caring for and providing for the needs of the child or children. In a normal situation, both parents are expected to play an active role in the development and growth of their child. But when the parents are separated, it becomes extra challenging. One parent tends to be more present than the other, depending on the arrangement you have reached.

Joint custody arrangements can be stressful, and oftentimes infuriating. But for the sake of your child, you need to let go of your resentment towards your former spouse. You need to make shared decisions and time for the child. This is the best way to ensure that your child gets the stability and emotional support that he or she needs need from the parents.

But when your ex-spouse is uncooperative or refuses to provide their share of the responsibility, it poses a big problem. You are left with the sole responsibility of caring for the child in terms of financial, emotional, and physical needs. If you are in this situation, you might feel hopeless about your case. So, how do you deal with an uncooperative ex? How do you ensure that your child is the number one priority and that their needs are met?

How to Co-Parent With An Uncooperative Ex

Are you frustrated by the lack of cooperation from your ex-spouse in co-parenting your child? Here are a few steps that can help you deal with this problem for the sake of your offspring:

  • Learn to set aside your hurt and anger. When co-parenting, your own feelings about your ex are not important. Save those feelings for your friends, counselor, or coach. You have to be strong for your kids. Bad mouthing your ex-spouse can be unhealthy for them. It is okay to feel hurt or angry, especially when your ex has abandoned their parenting duties. But you have to stay kid-focused. You need to do what is best for your child/ren at this moment.
  • Maintain strong communication lines. Communication is the single most important factor in any relationship. Even when you are divorced, you need to constantly communicate with your ex. Most spouses would want nothing to do with their ex when they divorce. But for the sake of your children, and to ensure that their needs are fulfilled, you must communicate. When communicating, set a business-like tone and don’t let your anger get in the way. It is also important to commit to listening. Communication is not a one-way street; you must be open to hearing what your ex has to say. Remember, you are both the parents and co-parenting means that you have to make shared decisions.
  • Be a team. This is yet another challenge when you are co-parenting with an ex-spouse who isn’t being cooperative. But you will have to make decisions together. Aside from communicating or talking consistently, you must work as a team. The best way to achieve this mindset is to think of your kids. Seeing the benefits that it can bring your child should motivate both of you to be civil about your situation. It is also a good idea to come up with rules and schedules on visits and other activities involving the child/ren.
  • Don’t ever sabotage your kids’ relationship with your ex. No matter how uncooperative your ex might be, just don’t go there. Do not speak poorly of your ex in front of your kids. Give them a chance to perform their role in this joint custody arrangement. Do not make them feel guilty or make threats involving the kids. Provide an avenue for your child to communicate with and have a relationship with your ex.
  • Make visitations easier. Whether your ex-spouse would visit your kids or they go to your ex’s house a few times each month, make it as easy as possible. Help your children to pack their things. Drop them off or schedule a pick-up time for the kids. This is not a normal routine for the children, so make the transition as easy for them as you can.

Summary

When it comes to divorce and co-parenting, it’s the children who suffer most–not the parents. You need to think about that when you are dealing with conflicts between you and your ex. Be the responsible parent so you can inspire the other to become one, too. According to experts, it is not the divorce or separation that hurts the children but the conflict. If you can maintain a cooperative joint custody arrangement, your child/ren can feel more secure and loved. They will also be mentally and emotionally healthier than if you were unable to fulfill your duties as parents in a divorce scenario.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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6 Mistakes Parents Must Avoid When Talking Divorce To The Kids!

6 Mistakes Parents Must Avoid When Talking Divorce To The Kids!

divorced parents between child

Child Caught Between Divorced Parents

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Preparing to tell your kids you’re divorcing their other parent?  Worried about how to broach the subject? Wondering what to say and do? Concerned about how they will react? How to handle their questions? How to deal with unexpected reactions? What the experts advise?

You’re not alone. Breaking the divorce news to children is one of the toughest conversations any parent will have.

You don’t want to make errors you will regret. You don’t want to loose your child’s love or respect. You don’t want to break their hearts.

That’s why I wrote, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children – With Love! It’s a unique, very effective, family-focused approach that honors everyone in the equation, children and parents. It helps put both parents on the same page and gives your children hope for a happy future, which they so desperately need at this difficult time.

Learn more about this internationally endorsed ebook and its proven approach at www.childcentereddivorce.com/kids.

In addition, keep in mind the most common mistakes parents make at this time. Below are 6 of the critically important ones to avoid in all your conversations with your children. It will set and keep you on the right path.

6 Mistakes Every Divorcing & Divorced Parent Must Avoid:

  • Don’t ever put your ex down in front of the kids. When you speak disrespectfully about your children’s other parent they are often hurt and riddled with guilt and confusion. Their thinking is, “If there’s something wrong with Dad or Mom, there must also be something wrong with me for loving them.” This can result in damaging your own relationship with your children, as well.
  • Don’t ever fight around the children. Studies show that conflict is what creates the most pain and turmoil for all children, especially victims of divorce. Keep parental battles away from your children – even when they’re sleeping or when you’re on the phone. They deserve the peace of mind.
  • Don’t ever pressure children to make choices. Most kids feel torn when asked to choose between their parents. They feel guilty, embarrassed, afraid. Don’t put them in that position. You can ask about their feelings but don’t give them the responsibility of making final choices.
  • Don’t ever blame your kids – or forget to tell them they are not at fault. Don’t assume your children understand that they are victims in your divorce. Remind them frequently that they bare no blame in any way related to your divorce – even and especially if you are fighting with their other parent about them.
  • Don’t ever share information only adults should be aware of. Parents often do this to bond with their children or try to win them over. It creates a burden that children shouldn’t have to bare. Talk to adults about adult issues. Even teens aren’t prepared to be your therapist or advisor.
  • Don’t ever use your children as confidants or spies. Don’t ask and expect your kids to tell you secrets about their other parent’s life and home. It makes them feel uncomfortable and puts enormous pressure on them. Don’t make your kids your allies in plots against their mom or dad. They’ll resent you for it. Don’t make them feel guilty for loving their other parent – ever!

Fortunately you can reach out to many different professionals to help you if you’re not positive about how best to approach your children. Speak to a divorce coach, mediator or see a therapist who specializes in this subject. Find an attorney who practices Collaborative Law, which will result in more positive, cooperative outcomes. Seek the advice of parenting coaches, school counselors, clergy and other professionals. Don’t forget the many valuable books and articles on this topic available online and at www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance when talking to your children. Be aware of the impact of your words on their innocent psyches. Avoid the mistakes we have discussed. Think before you speak or leap and give your family a sound foundation on which to face the changes ahead with security, compassion and love.

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Rosalind Sedacca is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!  To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com/kids. For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free ezine, coaching services and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.