Co-Parenting Success Is Based On A Healthy Mind-Set After Divorce

January 29, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Getting divorced and preparing for the responsibilities of co-parenting ahead? This facet of life after divorce can be enormously complex and challenging for several good reasons:

Both parents are bringing the raw emotions resulting from the divorce into a new stage in their lives.
Mom and Dad are also bringing previous baggage from the marriage – ongoing conflicts, serious disputes, differing styles of communication, unresolved issues and continual frustrations — into the mix as they negotiate a co-parenting plan.
Both parents are vying for the respect and love of the children – and are easily tempted to slant their parenting decisions in the direction that wins them popularity with the kids.
Anger and resentment resulting from the divorce settlement can impact and influence levels of cooperation in the years to come.
Parents may disagree about major issues ahead that weren’t part of the parenting dynamic in the past including: visits and sleepovers with friends, scheduling after-school activities, handling curfews, new behavior problems, consequences for smoking, drinking and drug use, dating parameters, using the car and scheduling vacation time.
Parents may not share values and visions for the children as they grow and may also not agree on the plan of action required to honor those values.

When these differing dynamics appear parents might find themselves struggling to find ways of coping. So keep this in mind: Agreement on how to co-parent effectively in the present and the future is not a one-time discussion. It takes on-going communication, both verbal and written as well as regular meetings via phone, email, online scheduling tools or in person. And it takes a commitment to make co-parenting work – because you both want and need it to!

The consequences, when it doesn’t work, can be considerable. Your children are very likely to exploit any lack of parental agreement or unity, pitting Mom and Dad against one another while they eagerly take advantage of the situation. This is a danger sign that can result in significant family turmoil fueled by behavior problems that neither parent can handle. See the headlines across all forms of media as examples of co-parenting done wrong.

When Mom and Dad are on the same page, so to speak, they can parent as a team regardless of how far apart they live. These parents agree about behavioral rules, misbehavior consequences, routine schedules and shared intentions regarding their children. They discuss topics of disagreement and find solutions they can both live with – or agree to disagree and not make those differences an area of contention.

If curfew in Mom’s house is 9:00 pm and it’s 10:00 pm in Dad’s house, that can still work if both parents respect the differences and let the children know it’s all okay. When differing curfews becomes an issue of major contention, that’s when the kids can get hurt – caught between battling parental egos. Children are confused and often feel guilty in battling parent situations, which rarely lead to any good within the family structure.

Keep in mind that when you’re more open and receptive to your co-parent, you are more likely to get what you really want in the end. Good listening skills, flexibility and the commitment to do what’s best on behalf of your children are part of a smart co-parenting mindset. Remember too that co-parenting will be a life-long process for the both of you. Why not do it in a way that will garner your children’s respect and appreciation? They will thank you when they are grown adults.

If you need help with one challenge or any array of co-parenting issues, engage my help through personal coaching or check out the many online coaching tools and programs I offer. They will all support you in making better decisions on behalf of your children and your long-term co-parenting success.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide To Preparing Your Children — With Love!To get her free ebook, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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2 Crucial Gifts Your Child Needs From You After Your Divorce

March 2, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

One of the greatest challenges divorced parents face is adequately meeting their children’s needs during and after the divorce. While most parents pay lip service to focusing on the wellbeing of the children, sadly that’s not always the case.

Divorcing and divorced parents can become overwhelmed by the emotional upheaval they are experiencing, especially if they don’t chose a positive divorce platform. After marinating in the anger, hurt, resentment, guilt, shame, blame and other conflicting emotions for so long, some lose their capacity to empathize with what their children are going through. Or they just stop caring. Other parents need parenting themselves. They don’t have the ability to put their own needs aside to address the turmoil they see in their children.

More than ever before co-parents need to feel and show compassion for their children. So often kids are feeling frightened, confused, guilty, angry, ashamed or resentful. Put yourself in your children’s shoes. See the divorce from their perspective – as a four, ten or fifteen year old. The experience is quite enlightening.

There are two crucial needs your child has before, during and long after the divorce takes place. If you meet these needs you are giving your child a vital gift. It’s a gift that will help them not only survive – but really thrive, despite the divorce.

1) Let your children love and be emotionally close to both parents.

Children do best when both of their parents are in their lives expressing love, acceptance and support. Divorce doesn’t have to change the love they receive and feel from their parents. That’s if both are allowed to express that love freely.

When parents get resentful or jealous of one another, they often play games with the kids. Frequently they ask the children to choose whom they love more or prefer to be with. These parents are setting those children up for heartbreak, disappointment and emotional wounds that can last a lifetime.

Regardless of your personal perceptions, never make your child feel bad for loving their other parent. It tears them apart and deprives them of the love they have a right to enjoy from both parents. Loving your Ex doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about your feelings. Don’t make them have to choose between you.

2) Let your children be loved by both parents.

Showing your children how much you love and treasure them is especially important during difficult times such as a divorce. But depriving them of the love from their other parent is emotional torture for a child who innately loves you both.

You may find your Ex to be a poor parent and a despicable spouse who is unworthy of your child’s love. But in the eyes of your child that’s their mom or dad. They see someone who loves them and wants to express it – even if you don’t always approve of their approach.

It’s a serious mistake to badmouth your Ex to the children or others around them. Or to keep them from scheduled dates and visitations. Equally offensive is not inviting the other parent to children’s special events. These are all forms of parental alienation. It’s selfish, mean-spirited and a poor way to role model mature, effective parenting. Equally significant, your child is likely to turn on you with anger when they grow up. They will resent your comments, behavior and hurtful approach to parenting. Why take that risk?

Life is far easier for divorced parents who give their children these two precious gifts: the freedom to love both parents and the freedom to feel loved by both parents as well.

All children deserve to love and be loved. Be the role model they will learn from and respect by sharing the wisdom and compassion that come with these valuable life lessons.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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