9 Tips For Parents When You’re Dating After Divorce!

9 Tips For Parents When You’re Dating After Divorce!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

It’s no surprise that jumping into dating after a divorce can be difficult. But dating after a divorce when you have children can be even harder. That’s because your entire perspective on relationships changes after having children. Now you aren’t only looking for someone to spend your time with. You are looking for someone to be an adult role model for your children, as well, complicating many of your decisions.

Here are 9 important tips to grasp before you start socializing after divorce when you’re a parent.

  1. Be open and honest with first dates. Let them know you have children, their general age range and whether they are living with you. This isn’t information you should hide. Being single with children is an important factor that impacts any dating relationship. You also want to find out how your date feels about children and whether they, too, are parents. Do not provide personal details, names, ages and other specifics about your kids. But never deny they are part of your life.

 

  1. Use a babysitter in the early stages of dating. This is not the time to introduce your children to new partners. You don’t want kids to get attached to your dates when you yourself may not stay attached for too long.

 

  1. Trust your gut feelings. If you’re having second thoughts about a partner, honor those feelings. Chances are good that this relationship will not last long and when children are involved, sooner is usually better.

 

  1. Have the serious kid conversation. Once you’ve had more than four dates, it’s time to talk about the children in your life. Knowing how your date feels about kids, and whether they are a parent as well, is vitally important information. It can influence your relationship in significant ways. Never put a relationship partner before your love for and caretaking of your child. Never force your kids to like your “friend” so they can feel loved and accepted by you.

 

  1. Take things slowly. If your dating relationship is going well, take your time before introducing your children to that person. And when they do meet, be sure to refer to your date as your “friend.” Keep in-person meetings short, such as lunch at a fast-food restaurant or an hour in the park. Allow more time together and brief home visits after a few weeks of successful encounters.

 

  1. Talk to your kids. Ask your children for honest feedback about your “friend” and listen to what they say and don’t say. Are they feeling pressured to like your significant other? Are they jealous or otherwise uncomfortable about your new relationship? Do they feel relaxed in your “friend’s” presence? Your kids must feel safe to say what they like and don’t like, otherwise you will create tensions and wounds that are hard to heal. Sometimes our children have greater wisdom than we do regarding our relationship partners.

 

  1. Reassure your children. Remind your kids that no one will ever replace them or come before them in your life. Children can feel insecure or jealous about your getting so much attention from someone new. Love isn’t a competition. Explain to your kids that adults need other adults to love – and you have enough love for both your kids and your new partner. Give your kids time to adjust to that thought Remind them too that no one will ever replace their other parent. Sometimes that’s the most important message they need to hear.

 

  1. Don’t let your new partner parent. That rarely works. Your kids will resent the other adult putting your partner in a no-win situation. Parenting is stressful enough for you. Keep your significant other out of that position and focus on developing a mutual “friend” relationship between your partner and your children.

 

  1. Minimize news of a breakup. Should you have a breakup, don’t announce it to the kids. If they ask, let them know you and your friend aren’t seeing each other any more. But don’t initiate the conversation or energize it with adult details or emotions. Vent to your friends or a dating coach. Don’t stress your kids with your emotional drama.

 

If you follow these 9 guidelines, you can move on after divorce in a happier, healthier way without sabotaging the wellbeing of the children you love.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. She is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, which provides valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is also a Dating & Relationship Coach and co-host of Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Radio Show & Podcast. For more advice on dating after divorce visit her websites: www.childcentereddivorce.com, www.womendatingafter40.com, www.womendatingrescue.com and www.mensdatingformula.com.

 

5 Ways to Keep Divorce From Scarring Your Kids!

5 Ways To Keep Divorce From Scarring Your Kids!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce need not wound and scar your children if you put their emotional and psychological needs first when making crucial decisions. Some parents don’t understand that every decision they make regarding their divorce will affect the wellbeing of their children in countless ways. The emotional scars are not only harder to see, they’re also much harder to erase.

Here are five keys to helping your children move through and thrive after divorce.

  • Remind them this is not their fault. 

Children tend to blame themselves for divorce, no matter how bad their parents’   relationship has been. The younger the child, the more likely this is so. But even teens feel guilt related to the divorce. Sit down together and talk to your children, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. You can say something like: “As your parents we’re having problems getting along and agreeing about many things which has created sadness and conflict. Even when some of the disagreements are about you, it does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love. So while we may disagree about certain important issues – we both agree about our love for you. You are not in any way at fault.”

  • Focus on change — not on blame. 

Divorce is all about change within the family structure. Often those changes can be beneficial and create a more peaceful living environment for your children. Parents must not point the finger and blame one another for the divorce to the children, as tempting as that may be. Don’t burden them with adult information and judgments. Focus instead on the fact that change is an inevitable part of life and not necessarily bad. Let your children see that everything in life keeps changing. “You grow bigger every year. Seasons change, clothing styles change, your school classes change. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like when you get a new teacher or try a new sport. In time you may come to like these new changes. They can lead to more peace in our lives.”

  • Respect your child’s other parent. 

When you belittle, put down or in any way disrespect your ex – regardless how justified it may feel – it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways. Children innately love both their parents and feel a connection to them. When you insult their other parent it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. Instead, remind them that you both will always be their parents and no one will replace you either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.” Then strive to do the right thing on their behalf. 

  • Let your children continue to be children.

While it may sometimes be tempting, never confide adult content to your children. Even teens are not psychologically prepared to handle the emotional complexity of a divorce. Save venting for trusted friends, a divorce coach, counselor or support group.  Also never ask your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. This creates guilt and shame for your kids and robs them of their childhood innocence. It also pressures them in many ways – none of which are positive. It is not their place to assume adult responsibilities or help you to find evidence against your ex. 

  • Make decisions through the eyes of your child. 

Before making any decisions regarding divorce issues, think about the consequences for your children. Ask yourself, what will they say to me about this when they are grown adults? Will they thank me for the way I handled the divorce – or be angry and resentful about my attitude and behavior? The choices you make will affect your children for years and decades to come. For their sake, take the high road and be a role model they will want to emulate.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.