5 Smart Ways To Strengthen Your Parent-Child Connection After Divorce

October 4, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

parenting after divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Sadly, divorce is a time when we experience disconnection. We disconnect from our former spouse. Too often we often have to disconnect from time spent with our children as well.

That’s why it is important for you to strengthen your bond with your children. Find ways of strengthening or at least maintaining your connections during this challenging period of transition. This is equally true, when you are living with your children as well as when you are apart. That’s the basis of a Child-Centered Divorce.

Children want and NEED to know they are still loved, valued and cared about. Show them, tell them and keep in close communication with them – during the happy times and the sad ones. They need to feel they have a safe place to turn, a shoulder to cry on and a non-judgmental ear when they need it.

If divorce has been tough on you – remember it’s even tougher on them – whether they confide that to you or not.

Here are five important ways to reinforce your connection with the children you love.

1. Connect through notes and calls:

If you’re living together, slip a note in your child’s lunch box, notebook or on their pillow every few days. A quick joke, cartoon, or just a warm “I Love You!” will let them know they’re on your mind and in your heart. If you’re not together, send an email note or a quick text to convey you’re thinking about them. Schedule phone, FaceTime or Skype video calls at times when you can have a longer conversation.

2. Connect through idle chats:

While you’re riding in the car, helping with homework or doing chores together is a great time to ask questions, share your feelings, and be empathic about your child’s feelings and comments. Don’t turn these communications into lectures. You’re there to listen. If you judge or condemn, you’ll close the door to learning more.

3. Connect through bedtime routines:

Spend time reading books, talk about your own childhood memories, achievements and challenges. Be honest about your childhood insecurities and failures. Kids like to know they are not alone in that regard. Ask your child about the best part of their day or a new lesson they learned. Bedtime routines help you both appreciate one another. It also creates a security bond that most children really value.

4. Connect through new projects:

Create connection through new projects that take on special meaning: a multi-day puzzle, new shelves or other project in their bedroom or garage, perhaps a structure, model or work of art you complete together. It’s a wonderful time to talk and make a stress-free connection. Kids remember these special times and look forward to other experiences that await with you in the future.

5. Connect through special dates:

Create a memorable outing alone with just one of your children: lunch, the zoo, a shopping trip, sports game or a movie. Prepare in advance so you both have something to anticipate in the days ahead. End the date with a token gift as a “reminder” of your time together. Game tickets, a menu, special photos all do the trick in saying, “I love you.”

It doesn’t take a lot of effort to reinforce your connection with your children, especially as you transition through and after a divorce. It’s the sincerity of your effort, not the money you spend, that matters. Your caring attention positively impacts their lives. It helps your kids to feel safe, loved and secure, despite the changes and challenges created by the divorce.

It’s also important to welcome these same “dates” and experiences scheduled by your child’s other parent. Never bad-mouth your ex to your children or criticize their special time with the kids. Children are hurt when they feel they have to choose between parents. It’s equally painful for them when they try to emotionally protect one parent from the other. By never putting them in that awkward position your kids will appreciate and respect you even more.

You can’t escape what you model for your children! By keeping that in mind at all times you will choose the path to more positive and successful parenting.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK onDoing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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6 Key Questions When Children of Divorce Resist Their Other Parent

November 10, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Parenting after divorce is always challenging, especially when your children act out. One big issue is handling children if they resist spending time with their other parent. Many factors come into play.

Here are 6 crucial questions to ask yourself which can help you determine the source of the problem and understand the reasons why your children are resisting contact with their other parent.

Are they feeling guilty or disloyal about leaving your presence? This can easily influence how they react to visits or time away living with their other parent.
Have they been privy to information, slurs or other comments that make them dislike their other parent? Do they hear you complain about that parent to family or friends? Are they being raised in an environment hostile towards that parent?
Has their other parent been mistreating them or disciplining them in a different way than you do? Is the contrast between both parents dramatic or extreme?
Are you sending mixed-messages to your kids about their other parent? Are you co-parenting respectfully with one another – or exposing the kids to your inner conflict and tension?
Was their relationship or communication with their other parent weak or limited prior to the divorce? It’s hard to establish a more positive relationship post-divorce in families where one parent was absent or emotionally unavailable.
Are they holding their other parent responsible for the divorce or its outcome? Children, especially as they grow older, can develop strong judgments about their life and blaming one parent is a common outcome.

Any one of these situations can influence a child’s decisions regarding routine or holiday visits and needs to be compassionately addressed. In many cases the parents can resolve the problem by discussing the issues together or with the added guidance of a therapist, mediator or divorce coach.

Are you unknowingly creating a parental alienation mindset?

Sometimes we are not aware of the subtle ways we influence our children’s feelings about their other parent. For example, it’s not uncommon for a post-divorce parent to show signs of depression or neediness in the months after the divorce. Some parents confide in their children about their emotional turmoil or missing them so much when they are away. This can result in children who are afraid to leave you – creating shame, blame or other forms of anxiety in the home. Consequently these kids take on more of the parenting role. They also feel guilty for loving or wanting to spend time with their other parent. If this is the case, you are doing them an injustice and robbing them of the joys of having two parents to love.

I highly suggest that you sit down with your kids to discuss these issues and find out what their feelings are. Ask pertinent questions and be sure to listen to their responses. Have your children been comfortable in both homes? Are the rules in each home too different or even conflicting? Have outside factors such as getting to school on time, class bullies or other challenges affected their wellbeing? Are your children afraid of spending time alone with their other parent? And if so, why?

These are complex and highly charged issues. Again, seeking the advice of a professional counselor or divorce coach can be useful for both parents in uncovering the motivation behind your children’s behavior or anxieties.

Keep in mind that kids will often tell a mental health professional “secrets” they’re not comfortable telling their parents. Listen to your children without judgment or lecturing. That only puts them on the defensive and stops the flow of communication. See if a family meeting to resolve issues together will work. When everyone contributes to and agrees on new rules, they are more likely to be followed.

Avoid making family decisions outside of the family.

While visitation issues can be a legal matter, it’s essential that parents be proactive in non-legal ways as well. It’s much easier and saner to handle situations related to your children within the family than by giving up your power to judges and courts. Get the help you need from caring professionals who embrace the child-centered divorce philosophy. Address these issues as soon as possible. Your children will appreciate your care and loving attention – and thank you when they are grown.

Children benefit from having healthy relationships with both parents whenever possible. By being attentive to seeing the world from their perspective and responding proactively, parental visiting issues can be resolved harmoniously for everyone in your post-divorce family.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book