Made Divorce Mistakes? It’s Not Too Late To Get it Right – For Your Children!

February 16, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Whether you got divorced several weeks ago or it’s been several years, most of us can acknowledge that we’ve made some mistakes.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

Chances are, in the heat of the divorce drama, we settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel unsettled. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

While some legal matters will involve only legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy. And it’s never too late to make amends and get it right.

Take Action Now!

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for actions or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those behaviors, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encourage the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults. Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along — it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

Remember YOU’RE the Role Model

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders – but I wouldn’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead.

One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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2 Crucial Gifts Your Child Needs From You After Your Divorce

March 2, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

One of the greatest challenges divorced parents face is adequately meeting their children’s needs during and after the divorce. While most parents pay lip service to focusing on the wellbeing of the children, sadly that’s not always the case.

Divorcing and divorced parents can become overwhelmed by the emotional upheaval they are experiencing, especially if they don’t chose a positive divorce platform. After marinating in the anger, hurt, resentment, guilt, shame, blame and other conflicting emotions for so long, some lose their capacity to empathize with what their children are going through. Or they just stop caring. Other parents need parenting themselves. They don’t have the ability to put their own needs aside to address the turmoil they see in their children.

More than ever before co-parents need to feel and show compassion for their children. So often kids are feeling frightened, confused, guilty, angry, ashamed or resentful. Put yourself in your children’s shoes. See the divorce from their perspective – as a four, ten or fifteen year old. The experience is quite enlightening.

There are two crucial needs your child has before, during and long after the divorce takes place. If you meet these needs you are giving your child a vital gift. It’s a gift that will help them not only survive – but really thrive, despite the divorce.

1) Let your children love and be emotionally close to both parents.

Children do best when both of their parents are in their lives expressing love, acceptance and support. Divorce doesn’t have to change the love they receive and feel from their parents. That’s if both are allowed to express that love freely.

When parents get resentful or jealous of one another, they often play games with the kids. Frequently they ask the children to choose whom they love more or prefer to be with. These parents are setting those children up for heartbreak, disappointment and emotional wounds that can last a lifetime.

Regardless of your personal perceptions, never make your child feel bad for loving their other parent. It tears them apart and deprives them of the love they have a right to enjoy from both parents. Loving your Ex doesn’t mean they don’t love you or care about your feelings. Don’t make them have to choose between you.

2) Let your children be loved by both parents.

Showing your children how much you love and treasure them is especially important during difficult times such as a divorce. But depriving them of the love from their other parent is emotional torture for a child who innately loves you both.

You may find your Ex to be a poor parent and a despicable spouse who is unworthy of your child’s love. But in the eyes of your child that’s their mom or dad. They see someone who loves them and wants to express it – even if you don’t always approve of their approach.

It’s a serious mistake to badmouth your Ex to the children or others around them. Or to keep them from scheduled dates and visitations. Equally offensive is not inviting the other parent to children’s special events. These are all forms of parental alienation. It’s selfish, mean-spirited and a poor way to role model mature, effective parenting. Equally significant, your child is likely to turn on you with anger when they grow up. They will resent your comments, behavior and hurtful approach to parenting. Why take that risk?

Life is far easier for divorced parents who give their children these two precious gifts: the freedom to love both parents and the freedom to feel loved by both parents as well.

All children deserve to love and be loved. Be the role model they will learn from and respect by sharing the wisdom and compassion that come with these valuable life lessons.

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