Divorced Parents: Alone For the Holidays Is Especially Tough!

December 3, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Are you facing alone time without the kids this holiday season? Often that’s one of the saddest consequences of divorce when you’re a parent.

What do you do when your children are visiting their other parent? While short-term periods when the kids are away can be a welcome break for an overscheduled single parent, for others the intervals between seeing the children can be long and lonely. It can be particularly challenging when your friends and neighbors are busy with their own family gatherings.

Don’t sink into despair. It’s really important at this time to get creative and absorbed in activities that you find personally fulfilling. This can become an ideal time to reflect on meeting your own needs and finding new people, activities and events that bring joy into your life.

Avoid the pity party!

Among the greatest challenges for divorced parents is avoiding self-pity. When you’re overwhelmed by a sense of isolation or feeling undervalued as a parent can lead to making poor choices when talking with your children. It’s quite easy to bury your hurt in comments designed to make your kids feel guilty about not being with you. We forget that most times those decisions are not really within their control.

Turning toward your support group of family and friends can be really helpful when these feelings arise. Seeking out a counselor or divorce coach can also provide advice and new resources for creating alternative holiday traditions and lifting your spirits.

Strengthening your parent-child connection!

Here are some other ways you can stay in the lives of your children despite the distance between you.

Create a Journal of holiday activities that you can later share with the kids. This might take the form of a travelogue of places you’ve explored, people you’ve visited, movies you saw and other activities you’ve participated in. You can even bring home a souvenir from each place as something to show and talk about with the kids on their next visit, such as paper restaurant menus, movie ticket stubs, tee shirts, colorful brochures, post-cards, hats, pens, etc.

Send an email or text message “of the day” to the kids with a theme: such as the YouTube Video of the Day, Staying Warm Tip of the Day, favorite Candy Bar of the Day, Sledding Tip of the Day, Favorite Dessert of the Day – just to keep in touch.

Join a toy or food distribution drive over the holidays to help needy children in your community so you feel valued while interacting with and bringing joy to other children.

Make plans to see the same movie as your kids on the same day and then schedule a call to discuss the movie together and share the experience in your own way.

Be creative. Think out of the box in healthy ways and your children will appreciate you without taking on guilt, sadness or shame. This is one of the greatest gifts any parent can give to their children – the gift of enjoying their childhood without the burden of parental divorce issues weighing them down.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her advice, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

Please share this article on social media!

Overcoming Guilt about the Divorce

Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT

Sometimes, an obstacle to listening to one’s child is the fear that we will hear something that will produce sadness, anger or guilt in us. It may also be difficult to listen to negative comments or complaints because of feeling the need to be the “perfect parent” and not wanting to hear that we are causing anymore discomfort to our child. There can also be times when your child will see everything that you do as wrong and everything that the other parent does as right. This can easily lead a parent to feeling overly sensitive and defensive.

These emotional situations become obstacles only if you overreact due to taking your child’s comments too personally, assume that you cannot handle the situation, assume that you are a “bad” parent or that you cannot make mistakes. Having faith in your abilities as a parent, allowing yourself to make mistakes, being less critical of yourself and taking time to think things through will change obstacles into manageable challenges.

To meet these challenges, keep the following in mind:

[] You’re not perfect, and that’s OK.

[] You will make mistakes even when doing your best.

[] Divorce is like a death and sometimes the only thing that you can
do is to just be there for your child and understand. That’s all.

[] Your child’s negative comments may simply be an expression of
distress and not criticism.

   [] Your child’s blaming of you may be a defense against feeling
       overwhelmed and not meant against you personally — it is
       merely a young child’s way of coping.

[] Change never happens as quickly as any of us want. Acceptance
and patience will do much to help you through this time.

   [] Listen to your child, even when what you hear is hard to accept.
       Problems can only be dealt with if allowed to be out in the open.
       It is that which is hidden that causes most of the trouble.

[] Distress is less traumatic when met with love.

   [] One incident will rarely cause trauma. It is the overall feeling,
       relationship and track record you have with your child that makes
       the difference.

   [] Keep things in perspective and you will not be overwhelmed. You
        can handle most any one situation simply because it is just that –
        one situation. There are few things that you will face that cannot be
        fixed, handled and lived with. (After all, look at what you’ve managed
        to handle so far!).

[] Tomorrow is another day.

By keeping these ideas in the back of your mind, you will be able to temporarily put aside your own feelings at the proper time and stay focused upon the feelings of your child. This will not only benefit your child, but will contribute to your own self-esteem and coping skills. This kind of self-discipline will keep you focused and feeling in control of your life.

* * *

C. Paul Wanio, PhD, LMFT, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Lake Worth and Boca Raton, FL. He can be reached at [email protected]. He is also a contributor to the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. To learn more, go to http://howdoitellthekids.com. For additional articles on child-centered divorce, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.